Familiarity can be Painful

So, okay, many of y’all may know how I’m always saying I wish I had the terrible side effects from eating off plan or badly, so that it would help fuel my self determination and commitment to my plan?

(If you didn’t know before, well, now you do.)

I just had an epiphany that when you’ve felt so bad, been so sick, hurt so much for so long, that unless you actually get to a point where you’ve been pain free or well for an extended period of time…

MISERY FEELS NORMAL.

Lately, I actually have noticed joint discomfort when binging on sugary crap, but I waved it off as common. Specific foods have triggered digestive pyrotechnics, but I accepted it as ‘just part of life without a gallbaldder.’ The trouble sleeping? I just don’t sleep enough anyway…. And so on and so forth.

Sometimes even as much normalcy as an old friend returning for a visit. There’s a certain level of comfort in the pain/illness, because it is FAMILIAR. It is comforting because we’ve learned to COPE with it…we know how to work around it…but fighting something new? That is truly terrifying…because it is unknown.

So in many ways, I now have to question, am I subconsciously seeking out the old familiar misery, so as not to deal with undiscovered country??

For someone who hasn’t truly been well or healthy in any memories I can recall offhand, not only does misery seem like an old friend to comfort me, I have no point of reference for anything to aspire to. It is a concept so foreign to me that I can’t aim for something I can see or even dream about… It’s a myth that happens to other people…

I think I’ll mull this one over for a while.

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